Islamic Jokes

NOTE*Many of the Jokes are not even funny because they are true.

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops – a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the balls to pull the cord!

Q. How do you separate Muslim Men from Muslim Boys?
A. With a crowbar.
Q. What do you call a Muslim with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Their faith doesn’t allow change.
A Muslim walks into a welfare office with a dirty, filthy parrot on his shoulder. The parrot’s feathers are falling off, its beak is broken, and it looks to have been horribly injured.The social worker looks in disgust and asks, “Oh my God, where did you get that ugly thing?”,The parrot replies, “PAKISTAN.”

Q: What are the three greatest lies?
A: 1. I’m from the government, I’m here to help you.
2. The cheque is in the mail.
3. Islam is the religion of peace.

Two Muslim men are sitting on a park bench when an 8-year-old walks past, and one turns to the other and says,
“Wow, I bet she was hot in her day.”

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Q: What’s the ugliest thing on a 6 year old Muslim girl?
A: Her husband.
Q: What do Muslim men think is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
A: There’s 20 of them.
Q: Why did the prophet Mohammed go to kindergarten when he was 52 years old?
A: To pick up his wife.
Q: A car full of Pakistanis and a car full of Somalis are racing down a hill. They both fall off a cliff at the same time, who wins?
A: Civilization.
Q: How come most unmarried Muslim men do not use condoms?
A: Little boys can’t get pregnant.
You might be a Taliban if you’d rather have your daughter raped than have an education.

Abdul goes to a local Burger King and asks for 2 Whoppers, the cashier says,
“Mohammed was not a bloodthirsty pedophile and Islam is a religion of peace.”
Q: What did Mohammed say to his father-in-law when Aisha turned 10?

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A: I’ll swap you a ten for two fives.
Q: What did the judge say when the Fort Hood shooter’s lawyer brought up the insanity plea?
A: Yes, we all know he is a Muslim, what else have you got?
Supposedly they are making land mines now that look like prayer mats. I hear “prophets” are going through the roof.
So I read this headline in a UK paper:
“Pakistani men target young white girls for sex”
Can you really blame them? Have you SEEN Pakistani women?
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its bum when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, “That’s a docile old thing isn’t it?”
“No way,” said the zoo keeper, “it’s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Muslim into the cage and completely devoured him.”
“Hardly seems possible” said the astonished visitor, “but why is it lying there licking its bum?”
“The poor thing is trying to get the bad taste out of its mouth.”
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A Muslim cleric approaches and says,
“My child, why are you so upset?” The little girl turns to him and says,
“My mommy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.”
The imam slowly looks around him, lifts his robe and takes out his langer and says,
“It’s just not your day, is it?”
A Muslim farmer walks into his wife’s bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
“Just wanted to show you the pig I’ve been screwing behind your back.”
The wife says, “that’s not a pig you fool, its a sheep.”
The Muslim farmer says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.

Laugh At This:  Foreign Policy for Dummies

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.
Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
Q. What’s the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A. Suppressing the erection.
Q: How can you tell if a Muslim girl is old enough to marry?

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A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she’s old enough. If it isn’t, cut the barrel down until her chin is over the top.
Q. What’s the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A. At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
Q. What’s the difference between ET and Muslims?
A. ET got the point and went home.

Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
A. There’s only 2 handles on a garbage can.

Q. What do you call a bus with 2 Somalis falling off a cliff?
A. A waste, you could have fit at least 50 in the bus!
Q. When’s the only time you should wink at a Muslim?
A. When aiming.

A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, “There’s plenty more of that where I come from.”
Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, “There’s plenty more of those where I come from.”
Again everyone is rather impressed.
So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.
Q: What’s the difference between Dar al-Islam and Dannon yogurt?
A: The yogurt has a living culture.
“A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide…. The librarian recommends the Quran.”

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This is patently untrue. Libraries do not lend books to Muslims on how to do suicide bombings, no one brings the books back.
Q: Give an alternate book title for “Religion for dummies”?
A: The Quran.
A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, “I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?”
“It was,” replied the local, “But that all changed with the war.”
“How did the war change things?” The journalist enquired.
The local replied, “Land mines.”
Abdul: “Mahmood, I don’t like the way you drive.”
Mahmood: “OK, I’ll hold the detonator and you drive.”
A Muslim wife has just given birth to a little girl.
The father asks the doctor how long it will be before he can have sex.
The doctor says, “For #uck’s sake, Abdul, at least wait until the child can walk.”
Q: What’s the worst thing about arranged marriages in Islam?
A: No matter who you get, you still end up with a Muslim.
Q: How many Muslims can you fit on a Boeing 747?
A: Who cares – as long as they leave.
A Muslim father is in the bath with his 3-year-old son.
Child: “Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?”
Father: “Well son, for a start, yours isn’t erect.”
A Muslim pedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It’s very stormy, with lightning spearing the sky and crashing thunder. The child looks up at the Muslim and says “I’m scared”.
The Muslim says, “You think you’ve got it bad? I’ve got to walk back on my own!”
A new poll just came out in Pakistan: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I hear there’s a document published with the names of people that are racists and bigots. These people want to spread hatred and terror throughout the world. The name of the document? The Quran.
Islamic logic
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Q: What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?
A: Allah Vabeer
A popular bar  had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “140.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replied, “65.” The robot then said, “So, how are things in the Islamic world these days?”
Little Ahmed: “Ema, ema, can I lick the bowl clean?”
Mother: “No, just flush it like everyone else.”
Q: What do you do if you see five Muslims up to their waists in concrete?
A: Pour more concrete.
Q: Muslim women think about having children. What do Muslim men think about?

Laugh At This:  Left-Wing Media Smear Artist

A: Screwing children.

It’s easy to understand suicide bombers. It’s the only real choice: to live your entire life as a Muslim or commit suicide; a no-brainer when you come down to it.

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Apparently, sniffer dogs can no longer sniff Muslims at airports any more because they believe they are dirty, unclean animals.
I agree with the sniffer dogs.
Q: What’s the difference between a Muslim woman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after four periods.
Q: How do you stop an Egyptian tank?
A: Shoot the bastards pushing it.
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and a Muslim’s wife?
A: The husband cries when he cuts up an onion.
Q: How does a Muslim get his wife pregnant?
A: He rapes her.
Gays in Iran
Q: What do you call two gay Muslims in Iran?
A: Dead.
Q: How can you tell if a Muslim woman has committed suicide?
A: There are 50 stab wounds in her back.
Q: In Islam what is that useless bit of flesh around a vagina called?
A: A woman.
Q: What does a Muslim do when the dishwasher stops working?
A: He smacks her across the face.
The best thing about being a Muslim is the fact that no one can see the marks on your wife after you’ve beaten her.
Sometimes one can’t hide the marks. The founder of the first US cable television network aimed at dispelling the notion that Islam is savage, primitive, or violent has been arrested and charged with beheading his wife. Sometimes Muslims, just by being Muslims, write their own jokes.
The capital of Pakistan is Islamabad. -The clue is in the name folks.

Laugh At This:  Islamic Logic

I just bought a new Muslim extremist calculator. It multiplies for years then f–king explodes!
Q: What is the difference between a roll of toilet paper and the Quran?
A: One is great for wiping your bum and the other comes in 1- and 2-ply.
Let me tell you how we learn what Islam means:
When we hear bombs, we hear Islam.
When we see women dressed in black sacks, we see Islam.
When we learn of amputations and stoning, we learn about Islam.
When we read about sexism and homophobia, we read about Islam.
When we face animalists, anger and greed for power, we face Islam.
When we smell death, we smell Islam.
When we hear Muslims say peace, we know they mean war.

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